How divorce mediation works?
Deciding to Divorce
First things first, is there any desire from either party to stay together?
Some of my clients have actually been able to work through their problems by learning to communicate better with each other after mediation meetings with me. They mutually decided to stay together and are a couple again.
You might say, “never, not in a million years.” But, surprisingly, having a third party to mediate tough issues can actually be all that is needed to patch up wounds so real healing can begin. My job is to make the divorce process easier for those involved, to create less trauma, and, in doing so, sometimes it results in clarity and a refreshed desire to give it another shot.
Separating or getting a divorce?
I often get asked by clients if they should get a divorce or separation. My response is, if you are certain divorcing is what is needed, then begin by filing for a divorce. There is no reason to spend time or money to write up a separation agreement because if you file for divorce and end up not getting one, you are only out the filing fee and any fees you might incur from hiring a lawyer or paralegal.
Who to contact first to file for a divorce?
So, the next step is to file. But, who do you contact? You might think contacting a lawyer is the best thing to do first. But, as a mediator with a J.D., I can talk you through the steps of getting a divorce and help point you in the right direction. So, contact a mediator first. And, if you’re in Oklahoma, contact me!
I believe every case is completely different. There are many scenarios where you definitely will need a lawyer to help you with your divorce. Other clients may need a paralegal to do the paperwork, or some clients can even file on their own. So, visiting with a mediator who is experienced in the field and has a wide network of local contacts is a great first step.
Filing For a Divorce in Oklahoma
Each county has its own filing fee so call the Court Clerk in your county to find out so you know what your filing fee will be. You will need a Petition for Divorce which can be located at the legal aid website or look online at www.oscn.net at some examples in your county.
When you file your Petition, you will have to pay the filing fee and will be assigned to a judge in your case.
Does divorcing have to involve the court?
If you and your partner feel like you can navigate the divorce process and all of the questions that go with it by working with a third party, a mediator, then chances are going through adversarial proceedings in court can be avoided or at least minimized.
One reason to mediate and try to work through your differences in mediation is to practice working together because your children or child is going to be part of this partnership for many years going forward. You will encounter graduation, weddings, funerals, grandchildren, other events that place you together at the same venue. And, learning how to navigate these life issues with ease will be critical for all parties invovled.
I coach my clients on how to use more effective communication and neutral words in their language and behaviors to aid in more respectful treatment of others, your children and/or family members.
The Divorce Mediation Process
So, if you’re wanting to give divorce mediation a shot, then here is what you can expect. One 3-hour block of time is set aside to help you get the issues resolved. I’m not an advocate of all-day mediation for those wanting to divorce. Usually there is enough time to move through the issues of your case in just 3 hours. Once we go over the issues you are experiencing, we work on each issue to get it finalized. I have done several all-day mediations if that is what you believe you will need. I just find that parties only wait until the 7th hour to resolve everything.
After all is decided by you and the other party, we place the agreements in a Mediation Agreement and you both will sign it. This Agreement is not the Final Decree. It is merely your contract with each other of your joint decisions.
If there is no resolution of one or more of your issues, your case will need to be heard by the judge in your case if you cannot resolve it before your court date. I would caution you to work on whether there is any way to come to an agreement as this will help your expense and your stress when you are deciding other issues in the future, especially if you have children involved. Weigh out the expense of going to court with how you can use your resources to help your family instead.
If the above sounds daunting, please don’t let that slow you down. I am here to help you through this process as you need it.
Issues to Resolve During Divorce Mediation
Here is a list of things we will work through during your mediation appointment.
(With or without kids involved)
Issues of Property: If there is jointly owned real estate, there will need to be some type of appraisal done for the property unless the parties can agree on the value and any associated debt. Determine if one party is financially sound to carry the mortgage alone. Paperwork for transferring ownership such as quit claim deed will need to be prepared.
Retirement Accounts: Retirement savings should be discussed and depending on length of time of marriage, parties should consider value and how to divide.
Vehicles, Boats & Motorized Items: These items need to be divided between the parties. Values and debt associated should be determined for re-title.
Business Property: Any separate property such as inherited assets or any business assets from a jointly owned business should be considered.
Taxes: Also discuss tax issues such as refunds, jointly filed returns and who will claim credits for children if any.
(With kids involved)
Parenting Time: How will kids spend their holidays and summer? Is one parent moving to another city/state? If so, who is responsibility for transportation of the kids back and forth from both houses.
School & Medical Decisions: Consider who will make the major decisions such as where the children will go to school, who will be in charge of medical decisions, and are there any religious differences between parties. Any daycare expenses, transportation and meeting place designations should be determined.
Medical Coverage & Misc. Expenses: Another issue related to the children is how will medical expenses and school activity expenses be covered. Who is going to carry and maintain medical insurance, dental or vision expenses.
Finalizing your Decree
After the divorce mediation process is complete, and you you both agree on all issues, you have two options. A.) You could write this down and ask a paralegal or lawyer to put the information into a Decree of Divorce, or B.) you can work with me to get the issues on paper for your lawyer.
Once the Decree of Divorce is filed, the judge in your case will review it to determine if it is acceptable. If he/she deems it so, they will sign your Decree.
Here are some complications to this: if you have children, you will need to have a parenting agreement attached and need to have taken a parenting class depending on the age of your child. This is where you get a certificate to file in your case. In addition to this, you will need to have a Child Support Computation to add to the documents that are filed in your case. You can calculate this yourself if you go the Department of Human Services website.
Meet Karen Berry J.D.
Karen Berry is a Supreme Court trained and certified mediator with nearly 2 decades of experience.
